Surviving Christmas

     

Well, I did it. I survived another Christmas.

Another Christmas has come and gone and once again I didn't feel it. It makes me so sad to see other people enjoying the holiday, when I am unable to share in the joy and excitement that they feel.  I like seeing other people's faces light up as they open a gift you've given them. Especially one that you know they will really like. But as for me, I know I have to perform. It's important that I let them see the happiness in my face when I open the gift they have given me.

One of the worst things I have to endure is watching TV. Almost everything is somehow Christmas related. All the regular TV shows have been replaced with stale, seen a million time, Christmas movies or specials. I then have to sit there, with the family, watching these shows, where, once again, everything has a happy ending. Well, that's not how it works in my life and I'm sitting there thinking this is totally BS. 

I realized that my depression is most likely to blame for the way I feel. I have a family and I don't want to bring down their holiday spirit. If they only knew how I was feeling inside. How, for me, my life as of now, doesn't have a happy ending. I smile and hopefully put on a good enough act so won't know that I'm not enjoying the holiday, that I'm actually dreading it. 

It also didn't help that the new medication I am taking has not yet been approved by my insurance company. There are multiple hoops my doctor and I must jump through in order to get my insurance company to pay for part of it. I wonder if I would have felt differently had I not run out of my prescription on Christmas Eve. 

My insurance company finally approved the drug for my health plan and I can start to take it again. The medication is called Latuda. It's is an anti-psychotic drug that also has shown promise for people who are bi-polar. It's new and I think I finally found the correct medicine for me. My family and friends say I am acting like my old self again.  So, maybe I will get my happy ending after all. With the talk therapy and the correct medicine, I am once again finding interest in things. 

If you suffer from depression, please get help. I know it's hard but you have to keep trying. I did and so can you.