Monday, January 12, 2015

10 Things a Mother getting divorced wants her daughters to know

Recently, my 20 year old daughter asked me why even bother getting married. I told her that 50% of couples stay married, some even get their happy ever after.  This is the advice I gave her on how, I thought, she would have a shot at a happy married life.

1. He is not going to change. Even though he may say he will, and you may be able to modify his behavior somewhat, i.e. get him to call when he's going to be late. What you see, is what you get. WYSIWYG.

2. Do not under any circumstance; put aside your own dreams, goals, aspirations for his. 

3. Compromise, don't acquiesce.

4. Share the responsibility of raising your children. Your job is not less important because you are the woman. Take turning taking days off from work when kids are sick, have school functions or days off from school.

5. As life happens and routine takes over make sure you make it priority to have a date night with your husband. You don't have to go out. Even just sharing a glass of wine after the kids have gone to bed can help you keep connected to your husband.

6. Nurture the relationship to keep communication alive. One of the reasons men stray is because they don't feel like they're being paid attention to by their wives. This means if there are chores and you feel they have to be done right now,  they don't. They can wait. Make time to connect with your husband. The laundry will still be there. Who knows? Maybe he'll even help with the chores so you can have more time together. Ideally, he will already be helping with the chores. For example, he does the dinner clean up and you help the kids with homework.

7.  Do not let yourself go. Pamper yourself. Get your hair colored, nails done, go to the gym. Happy wife equals happy life. Remember to love yourself. 

8. Understand marriage is not a 50/50 relationship. Most of the time marriage is a 90/10 split. Just make sure you're not always being the one giving 90%. This will lead to build up resentment that will only build over time and lead to explosive arguments.

9. Go away on trips with your husband without the kids.

10. If he cheats, it's not because of you. It's because of him and who he is as a person.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Could the red string of fate be responsible for saving my life?

Was the red string of fate responsible for saving my life?

The red string of fate is an East Asian belief that comes from Chinese legend and is also used in Japanese legends. According to this myth, the gods tie a red cord around the ankles of those that are to meet one another in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way. The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

Could the red string of fate be responsible for saving my life? Of soul mates, it is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would stay with each other and would know no greater joy than that. I don't think it quite works like that but I'll tell you the story that happened to me. 

They show up just when you need them, maybe not at the exact moment, but they come at some point when the need is still there. They help you understand your problem, maybe present it from an angle you didn't see before. But they somehow help you through it. Sometimes they stay, sometimes the don't. But they help you heal your soul. Some people would say that it is God's hand in helping us get through a difficult period in our lives. I don't profess to know, but I do know recognized when someone is there to help. Maybe you prayed and you feel God answered your prayers. Maybe he does. But I know that when one of these red string people show up I am grateful for their help.

My experience happened about a year ago. I was playing an online video game and a met a man who I could tell was very guarded but seemed to be reaching out to me. For some reason I felted compelled to help this man work through his problems. He was extremely shy yet told me things about himself that he had not told anyone. I chalked it up to sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger about these personal things. As we continued to talk, we learned we had so much in common. My connection to him grew. He helped me figure out things in my own life that I had not been able to deal with. He gave me courage to drawn back the dark drapes I had placed over my own eyes. He showed me a glimpse of what my future could be.

In that glimpse I saw myself happy. Living a very different live than the one I am mired in now. He gave me back my self-esteem. He stopped me from killing myself.  But with these relationship some times once the goal is achieved the relationship ends. I tried to pull at the red string to make my time with him last longer, but all I did was make it fray. A single thread remains now, it's the memory I will always have of what we did for each other. I hope I have the courage to be brave and live the life he showed me I could have. I just know I miss him but will be forever grateful to him to having come into my life.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

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Friday, December 27, 2013

Surviving Christmas


Well, I did it. I survived another Christmas.

Another Christmas has come and gone and once again I didn't feel it. It makes me so sad to see other people enjoying the holiday, when I am unable to share in the joy and excitement that they feel.  I like seeing other people's faces light up as they open a gift you've given them. Especially one that you know they will really like. But as for me, I know I have to perform. It's important that I let them see the happiness in my face when I open the gift they have given me.

One of the worst things I have to endure is watching TV. Almost everything is somehow Christmas related. All the regular TV shows have been replaced with stale, seen a million time, Christmas movies or specials. I then have to sit there, with the family, watching these shows, where, once again, everything has a happy ending. Well, that's not how it works in my life and I'm sitting there thinking this is totally BS. 

I realized that my depression is most likely to blame for the way I feel. I have a family and I don't want to bring down their holiday spirit. If they only knew how I was feeling inside. How, for me, my life as of now, doesn't have a happy ending. I smile and hopefully put on a good enough act so won't know that I'm not enjoying the holiday, that I'm actually dreading it. 

It also didn't help that the new medication I am taking has not yet been approved by my insurance company. There are multiple hoops my doctor and I must jump through in order to get my insurance company to pay for part of it. I wonder if I would have felt differently had I not run out of my prescription on Christmas Eve. 

My insurance company finally approved the drug for my health plan and I can start to take it again. The medication is called Latuda. It's is an anti-psychotic drug that also has shown promise for people who are bi-polar. It's new and I think I finally found the correct medicine for me. My family and friends say I am acting like my old self again.  So, maybe I will get my happy ending after all. With the talk therapy and the correct medicine, I am once again finding interest in things. 

If you suffer from depression, please get help. I know it's hard but you have to keep trying. I did and so can you.  


Friday, December 20, 2013

When it's not the most wonderful time of the year.

For some people this can be a difficult time of year.

Everywhere you look it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It's a stressful time of the year for most everyone. But for some people it's more than stressful, it brings on or exacerbates feelings of depression.

Depression is an illness. It's a disease that affects the production of certain chemicals in the brain. These chemicals that allow a person to feel good simply aren't being created in a depressed persons brain. 

Cheer up, is not something to be said to a person suffering from depression. They are physical not able to cheer up. Talk therapy is sometimes the answer but mainly drugs are needed in order to balance the chemicals correctly.

A depressed person sees this time of year as especially difficult. Everyone seems to be enjoying the holiday and they are not. The cycle feeds on itself. 

I'm sad when everyone else is happy. Why am I sad? Why don't I care about Christmas the way other people do? Many people with depression faking the feelings they think other people want to see from them. When inside they feel like dying. 

The suicide rate climbs this time of year. If you or someone you know or love seems depressed try and get them help.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1 (800) 273-8255.  Call them. They can help.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Can you overcome your fear and live life to its fullest?

Can you overcome your fear and live life to its fullest?

Surfers in California call sharks the grey suits, and they are always in the water.

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” – Bill Cosby

Most people are afraid of being attacked by a shark. But surfers, despite knowing that sharks are in the ocean when they're surfing, are willing to take a chance because their love of the sport overcomes their fear. Many surfers, even after being attacked, will still return to the water when their wounds heal and surf again.

There are many things people are afraid of. Losing your job, being alone in a dark alley at night, or the death of a loved one, these are all examples of what people think when you ask them what is their greatest fear.

 Fear seems understandable when you are faced with a real threat. But all fear is not the same. There is a difference. It is things we aren't willing to do that we should fear the most. The opportunities we don't take because of irrational fears. When you're always wanted to ride a burro down into the Grand Canyon and the ability presents itself. Why do you pass? Why do you fear it? It's on your bucket list.

Letting go of your fears allows you to do things and act in ways you would have never allowed yourself to do. Ask yourself what I have anyways wanted to try? Have you always wanted to fly a plane, go skydiving, or ride in a hot air balloon? These are just a few ideas that many people dismiss out of hand because of their fear.

Face your fears. Be yourself. Don’t worry what others think or do. We try to conform to society; pressures are intense to be like everyone else because that is what you feel like you are supposed to do. Yet going against your nature, trying to be something you're not you can actually have physical manifestations.

Living as though you have nothing to lose is the most freeing way to live your life. In the movie, "Yes Man", Jim Carey plays a character, who, because of a wish his son makes, has to say yes to everything he's asked to do. Despite the fear he feels, he does things he would have never done before if he hadn't fallen under the spell. He meets a girl, falls in love, has great adventures, and gets a job promotion. Not letting his fears rule him allows him life to live a richer and fuller life.

Many people miss out on opportunities to fall in love, because falling in love requires you to take a risk. Putting yourself out there and being vulnerable to having your heart broken. Don't be afraid to be yourself, to make new friends. Take a chance. You never know what will happen unless you open yourself up to new experiences.

They say the truth will set you free. I believe it is facing your fears and pushing through them that  will set you free, because only when we face our fears and overcome them are we ever truly free.